How To Make Your Sex Life Even Better
Communication Sexual boredom and lack of communication between partners ends many relationships. But if a man is going to put his penis into the woman, and she wants him to put it in, they can't get much more intimate and close than that, so there ought not to be any great difficulty in talking about sex. Language, however, is often a stumbling block. For many of the sex words are simply embarrassing. We can get rid of ejaculation for a start, by using "coming". Having sex or making love are good, and entering is nice way to say penetrating. Balls, cock and cunt may flow less easily off the tongue; fuck may be even harder for a couple who aren't relaxed about these things. Men use the most basic words among themselves, but often when speaking to a partner will change their language. But what's really wrong with saying something like: "You've got a wonderful cunt! How do you feel about my cock?" If words like pussy are easier, then use them, but above all find some way of communicating......then you can avoid situations like this: One man told me he had a strong desire during the half-minute or so before he ejaculated for his partner to hold his balls. "She wouldn't object, would she?" I asked. "Of course not," he said. "Then why don't you ask her?" "But that's the problem! You can't ask a woman to 'hold your balls,' and I'd feel an idiot if I whispered 'Hold my testicles, darling!' " Though I think all couples should be able to talk about sex, I eventually suggested he just took her hand and put his balls in it. He was delighted with this idea, and it worked for him, but how much better to be able to say it. There is a similar reluctance to use four letter words on the part of women; but a woman knows that if she is going to be really sensuous, she must throw modesty aside. How can such a fantastic human experience as whole-hearted response to sex be circumscribed by modesty? However, if a couple really cannot bring themselves to use four-letter words during the intimacy of sex, then they will have to invent euphemisms of their own - for talk to one another they must. No couple can enjoy great sex until they are able to talk to their partners freely about their own sexual needs, likes and dislikes, and discuss freely their partner's requirements, too. This talking together about sex is just ordinary straightforward communication. Such communication is essential, a fact probably only brought home to people who deal with the sexual problems of others. A woman complained to me that she had never had an orgasm during penis-vagina contact. Her husband can keep going inside her for five, often ten, minutes, but she can't come in that time and always has to be brought to orgasm by hand or mouth. In all cases like this, the first question I ask is, "Who decides when your partner puts his penis into you - you or him?" This particular woman gave what has almost become the stock answer, because it is so frequently given, "He does." "Does he ask you if you are ready?" "No, but I wish he would, because I always feel I'd like him to go on stimulating me a bit more before he does ejaculate inside me." "Why don't you ask him to arouse you a bit more, then?" "Oh, we don't talk about sex." Incredible? Yes, but also very common.....another example illustrates the same point.... Almost all women are very responsive to having their nipples rolled between fingers and thumb. Almost all men read this as "all women." But there are women whose response to this technique is irritation rather than arousal. One woman came to me because she was worried that her reaction might mean that she was abnormal. "It just tickles," she said. "What really turns me on is to have my partner hold my breast in his hand, and squeeze it hard." "Have you told him how you feel and what you would like him to do?" "I didn't want to, in case he should think I was kinky." "Well, you're not. So tell him, and if he thinks you're funny, tell him to come and see me." She had been putting up with real discomfort from a sexual technique which her partner used on her in all good faith, simply because they had not learned to communicate about their sexual needs! Another woman told me, "I had an affair some years
ago with a man who liked to rub his glans on my nipple until he came. It
was the wildest sensation I've ever had. And
I reached orgasm
during intercourse as soon as I
felt the first spurt of his ejaculate drowning my nipple. I long for my husband
to do it." They had been married for four years, and in all that time she had denied herself sexual pleasure because she would not speak a few very brief words; and he had been missing out, too, for the same reason. A young man came to see me about what causes delayed ejaculation. He was unable to ejaculate during sex even if he moved his penis in the vagina without stopping for an hour or more; in fact, it took his girlfriend over an hour of continuous direct stimulation to his penis before she could bring him to orgasm and before he was able to ejaculate, and that was only on comparatively rare occasions; very often he couldn't reach orgasm at all. This young man revealed under my probing that he had scarcely any feeling at all in his frenulum and glans. The sex books say that the massively nerve-packed frenulum - the little band of skin which joins the skin of the shaft of the penis to the membrane covering its head, on the underside is the most sensitive spot on the whole penis. For the majority of men it probably is, but for quite a significant number their most sensitive spot may be either the rim of the opening, or the few square millimeters just below the opening, or the edge of the rim which the glans forms with the shaft, or the groove under the rim. I asked him whether he ever
jerked himself off and
how long it usually took him. It worked; but what is more, the fact that her boyfriend was now able to ejaculate while he was in her unblocked him psychologically, and he was soon able to function in any position. It took only a couple of weeks, instead of the lengthy psychotherapy he would have had to undergo otherwise (and with no guarantee of success). If you try it, you will discover very quickly what a timesaver communicating is. Normally it can take ages before a couple can begin to have really good sex if they talk rather than try trial and error - though that is the only way for a couple who have not yet learned to get to know one another sexually. Communication leads to imaginative sex; little tricks of your own invention; and it helps avoid recriminations or disappointments because you can communicate likes and dislikes before you get into bed. It saves time later, if each partner knows that as far as the other is concerned, certain things do not arouse him/her while others send them wild. Even after you've been working at a regular sexual relationship for several years, it's no use experimenting sexually on another person if you don't know how the experiment is working; and you can't find out unless you ask and are told. For example, how can a man know his partner enjoys three fingers exploring her cunt, but not two or one, unless she tells him? How can a woman who once had a partner who was sent wild by the gentlest of love-nips on the scrotum know that her man finds the gentlest love-nips on the scrotum excruciatingly painful, but adores quite sharp love-nips on the tip of his foreskin when it's pulled right forward, unless he tells her? (Just a wild idea you might want to try.....) There is another use for talking, too. Lots of couples are or may be capable of being turned on by listening to each other recounting, in considerable detail, past sexual exploits. No man or woman can use this technique unless they have the words and the freedom from inhibitions to speak them. Similarly, no couple lets any opportunity of sexual arousal slip through their fingers for want of being prepared. If a couple are not accustomed to talking to one another at all, they will be missing out on something which is an interesting and exciting sexual activity. One sure way to avoid doing so is to communicate. |